If the Republicans and Democrats are Gene Simmons and Ace Frehley, the third parties are Peter Criss. On the U.S. political map they are little known, underacknowledged, and underappreciated- but never really underestimated. Maybe it's because they just can't seem to organize all that well.
Always possessing the most colorful assortment of political hopefuls, this election cycle's field includes a marijuana activist, a former Black Panther leader, and a chiropractor with an affinity for the Matrix movies. I'm not joking.
But, to be fair, the third parties are growing exponentially as large sectors of the American population become disenchanted with the Democratic and Republican parties. They still have a long way to go before they can be considered mainstream, but hey, there is noticable progress being made. And maybe when they get bigger they'll be able to recruit more viable candidates; candidates that don't seem so... well, to put it lightly, unelectable.
I apologize to all of you out there who have your emotions and time invested into one of the candidates I'm about to mention, but, look...
These people will never win. Never, ever. Never, ever, ever. And I'm not trying to belittle their attempt, after all it isn't their fault that the Republican and Democrat parties maintain such a strangling grip on the U.S. political scene and funding, but I've been honest with my opinion on every other candidate and I'm not gonna stop here. They are message candidates that aren't really able to get their message out, except maybe to your sixteen year old brother who will talk fervently about them after stumbling across their MySpace page. "Dude, legalizing marijuana is the most important issue facing our country today."
The truth is that most people just don't know who they are. So third parties, get your act together, work hard at getting your message out and earning your place at the table- because, after all, you deserve it. But again, let me reiterate the fact that in 2008, these people will never ever win. Never ever. (Okay, I'm won't say that anymore. I swear.)
Let's get started.
(Libertarian Party)
Steve Kubby
I bet you didn't know Jeff Goldblum loves to smoke weed.
Yeah, how awesome would it be to see the new president making his inaugural speech in front of a Citizen Kane style banner with that picture on it?
He may look (slightly) like an evil Jeff Goldblum, but his name is Steve Kubby and he's in a bind. See, a majority of Libertarian party members are earnestly supporting major candidate Ron Paul, who is essentially a libertarian himself (He ran in 1988 on their ticket). What's a guy like Steve supposed to do? Well, I'll get to that, but for now...
Steve Kubby has cut his political teeth as an activist for the legalization of Marijuana (He played a key role in the drafting and passage of California Proposition 215). In case you haven't been able to tell yet, this guy loves smoking weed- he even announced his candidacy at the Seattle Hempfest. Seriously. But don't let me get ahead of myself here. He has a legitimate reason.
When Steve was only 23 years of age he was diagnosed with adrenal cancer, and following this had three surgeries over the next few years (1968, 1975, and 1976) to remove tumors that had continued to build up.
Steve then began to undergo conventional therapies for his cancer such as radiation and chemotherapy, but in 1981 dropped the excruciating procedures for a much more unconventional treatment- maintaining a healthy diet and smoking marijuana. He has been healthy ever since. That's pretty amazing on two levels. First, controlling cancer for 25 years through diet and medicinal marijuana; and second, to be able to eat healthy while smoking marijuana considering "the munchies" and the ubiquity of Doritos and Taco Bells. Mmmmm. Cheezy Gordita Crunch.
I'll stop making light of Steve because his is honestly an amazing and inspiring story... just not enough to win him the presidency.
The Prediction: Steve made a very smart move recently and endorsed Ron Paul's candidacy. If Ron Paul pulls off the upset, look to see Steve somewhere in that cabinet. Maybe he'll even be the Drug Czar!
He may look (slightly) like an evil Jeff Goldblum, but his name is Steve Kubby and he's in a bind. See, a majority of Libertarian party members are earnestly supporting major candidate Ron Paul, who is essentially a libertarian himself (He ran in 1988 on their ticket). What's a guy like Steve supposed to do? Well, I'll get to that, but for now...
Steve Kubby has cut his political teeth as an activist for the legalization of Marijuana (He played a key role in the drafting and passage of California Proposition 215). In case you haven't been able to tell yet, this guy loves smoking weed- he even announced his candidacy at the Seattle Hempfest. Seriously. But don't let me get ahead of myself here. He has a legitimate reason.
When Steve was only 23 years of age he was diagnosed with adrenal cancer, and following this had three surgeries over the next few years (1968, 1975, and 1976) to remove tumors that had continued to build up.
Steve then began to undergo conventional therapies for his cancer such as radiation and chemotherapy, but in 1981 dropped the excruciating procedures for a much more unconventional treatment- maintaining a healthy diet and smoking marijuana. He has been healthy ever since. That's pretty amazing on two levels. First, controlling cancer for 25 years through diet and medicinal marijuana; and second, to be able to eat healthy while smoking marijuana considering "the munchies" and the ubiquity of Doritos and Taco Bells. Mmmmm. Cheezy Gordita Crunch.
I'll stop making light of Steve because his is honestly an amazing and inspiring story... just not enough to win him the presidency.
The Prediction: Steve made a very smart move recently and endorsed Ron Paul's candidacy. If Ron Paul pulls off the upset, look to see Steve somewhere in that cabinet. Maybe he'll even be the Drug Czar!
(Green Party)
Elaine Brown
Elaine Brown. Where to begin?
If you aren't a black militant, there isn't much to like in this candidate. I think that's a reasonable start. In fact, her candidacy really got me thinking, "What is the Green Party exactly?" (I had always assumed they were some sort of environmental action party. Maybe they are, I don't know.)
You see, I currently reside in Atlanta and have for some time now. So does Mrs. Brown. I know her type. She is the idealogical predecessor of people like Cynthia McKinney (who, by the way, is also rumored to be considering a run for president on the Green ticket). These are people with narrow minds, fervent passion, and misguided anger towards those that they percieve as their oppressors. They rabble-rouse, stir up their constituents by instilling them with fear through half-truths, and constantly seek others to blame for nearly everything. They are the most dangerous of politicians, and these two ladies seem to have nestled snugly into the Green Party. (By the way, if one of you wants to enlighten me, please feel free to- I'm not really all that educated on the Greenies. Thanks.) Anyway...
Elaine Brown became a member of the Black Panther Party in the late sixties and worked her way up to become Chairperson from 1974 up until 1977 when the party disbanded.
She also doesn't seem to be too successful at running campaigns, with a failed attempt to become a member or the City Council of Oakland in 1973 and another failed attempt at becoming the Mayor of Brunswick, Georgia (she was disqualified for not establishing residency in the city).
She has publicly called Colin Powell, Chris Rock, Russell Simmons, and P. Diddy "New Age House Negroes" and threw in Oprah Winfrey as a "New Age House Negress" for good measure.
To top off this astounding resume, David Horowitz, a very well-known journalist and former supporter of the Black Panther party, has publicly accused Mrs. Brown of having Betty Van Patter, a mother of three, murdered in 1973.
And that about sums it up. This woman is a hate-mongering oxygen-thief. I will revel in her political loss. NEXT!
(Constitution Party)
Don J. Grundmann
After you read this section, you will never hear of this guy again. Trust me. I'm not gonna even try to polish this turd. I had a hard enough time just trying to find a picture of the guy. Google Images, with billions of pictures to be searched, and all I could come up with was this one.
Anyway, there isn't much to know about this guy. He's as obscure as I am right now.
But doing a little background check gave me the following facts on ol' Don:
1.He became a member of the American Independant Party Committee in 2006.
2.He is currently a chiropractor in San Leandro, California.
3.He uses imagery from the Matrix in his campaign.
And that's pretty much it.
So there you have it folks- your line up of presidential candidates for 2008! I hope you've enjoyed it and maybe even got a better idea of who you're gonna vote for.
Have a nice weekend everybody, and make sure to check in next week for more of my commentary on current events and American culture.
0 comments:
Post a Comment